Feeling Just A Lil' Down...

Yup, feeling down. Okie, not that down.. just a teeny weeny down. I guess the fact that I'm not feeling well.. and haven't been feeling well the past 5 days definitely contributed to this. Especially the intermittent stinging pain in my right ear and the throbbing pain at the back of the right side of my head.

Well, my family and closest would well testify to how I would avoid going to the doctor. Usually when I fall sick, I would kinda self-medicate.. since it's always the usual stuff.. fever, headache, flu. I would then shove some panadol tablets, flu medicine down my own throat as and when I remember, much to their chagrin.. heheh, and they would go nag-nag-nag again.. hahah. But this time, this pain in my head was bad enough such that I actually went to the doc on my own accord not once, but twice.. yesterday and today. I surprised even myself.

Actually I feel bad about going to another doc today, having only seen one yesterday. It kinda implies my lack-of-confidence in the first doc. Sigh, maybe that is indeed the case. Perhaps I was expecting some miracle, you know.. maybe feel no pain in my ear anymore after taking the prescribed medicine for three times. Perhaps my expectation was too high. Anyway, the damage is done.. and now I shall finish the second doc's prescribed medicine before going back to finish the first doc's. Sounds funny I guess.. but I think that's one way to relieve my guilt towards the first doc. Besides, both docs are actually chinese physicians.. so there shouldn't be any harm in taking the meds in this manner. I would of course not recommend the same for a western prescription. Don't ask me why, I guess they just don't work the same.

Talking about expectations.. I made a decision today while driving today. I decided to stop having a crush on this person I've been having a crush on for the past one month or so. Okie, before I go any further, let me just state that I'm currently happily attached. So when I started having a crush on this person, I did probe within myself to find out exactly what was going on. It was determined that I was curious and wanted to know this person better, I definitely like her, but liking this person doesn't mean anything. Bottomline was, I wanted to be friends with this person. And yes, I've been keeping my partner updated about my feelings.

I scored a breakthrough about two weeks ago when thru' some quick thinking and clever scheming (at no one's expense of course), I conduced a perfect opportunity to spend some time alone together with her and indeed, the time spent led to some quality getting-to-know-each-other moments. Now, don't go off the rail.. there wasn't any hanky-panky involved.. we just had a really nice chat. So much so that where previously I was just one of them within my clique of colleagues, after that chat, I was confident that I definitely stood out amongst my colleagues now. We had become friends.

The following week, we carried on where we left off. I casually bumped into this person at my office and she confirmed my contact number with me. We also grabbed a quick bite together. Over the course of the next few days, we had some nice moments chatting on our phones, and she actually invited my partner and I over to her new place at the end of the month.. and I was pleased, to say the least. But I guess I forgot to keep my expectations in check. 'Cos in the past few days, there wasn't any more phone calls.. not since we had to cancel our impromptu arrangement to meet up last Friday. A phone call from me on Monday afternoon ended shortly in under ten seconds.. not at all eventful.. depressing even. I decided then to lay off and not call her anymore.. I don't wanna make her feel like I'm being a pest.. or seem desperate. I'm not sure which is worse, actually.

Well, we met again today during a company briefing session that we were both involved in. She approached me during the break and we made small talk and joked around. Everything seemed good. But somehow I still didn't feel very good, there was still that tinge of hoping for something more. Subconsciously, I wanted us to be close friends, good friends. So I guess along that line I was expecting more.. and I wasn't getting the more that I wanted. Inwardly, I must admit I was feeling disappointed for the past few days. I guess maybe I was hoping she'll call yesterday or something and we could perhaps try to meet for lunch or study together, but that didn't happen.. and driving along the highway today, I thought things thru' a bit and decided that enough was enough.. I should stop hoping, stop expecting.. and move on. Stop crushing.. lay the crush to rest. I've done enough to lead us to become friends, perhaps now I should just leave things to nature.

I won't go into details here what I've done to build the friendship between us, but honestly I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back for the efforts I had put in, considering what a lazy and laid-back character I am. So, I will play it cool from now on. Nonetheless, I have to admit that I'm feeling kinda sad over this decision I've made. I won't say my efforts have been wasted, they weren't.. but somehow the results sort of fell short I guess. Sigh.

I will be seeing her again this Friday.. we'll be attending one full day of lessons together, followed by a horrible exam (actually that's how we met, 3 full days of lessons every month). I shall not expect anything.. no expectations, no disappointments. That should be the way I guess.

Now I just need to pick myself up, buck up and start studying so I can pass this horrible monster called "exam" this Friday. Gawd, hate it. Love the lessons, hate the exams. Life. Luck, I need lots of it.

tags : feeling down | doctor | self-medicate | pain | sick | feelings | friends | life | luck |